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Being the Second Book of the Section on Customs in the Book
The Revival of the Religious Sciences By ABU HAMID AL-GHAZALI

TRANSLATED BY
MADELAIN FARAH

There are eight qualities which render a conjugal life happy and which must be sought in the woman in order to assure the perpetuity of the marriage: piety, good character, beauty, a small dowry, ability to bear children, virginity, [good] lineage, and she should not be a close relative.

[Piety]

That she should be virtuous and religious is the most fundamental requisite, and to that end [special] care must be taken. For, if her religious principles are too weak to give her the strength to be virtuous and constant, she will humiliate her husband, disgrace him among people, trouble his heart with jealousy, and thereby render his life miserable. Should he succumb to passion and jealousy, he would remain in trial and tribulation. Should he, on the other hand, follow the path of permissiveness, he would be apathetic toward his religion and honor and would be guilty of lacking zeal and pride. Also, if she is beautiful but corrupt, she will be the cause of greater tribulation; for then it becomes difficult for the husband to separate from her: Thus he is neither able to renounce her nor to endure her. His position is like that of one who came to the Prophet (s.a.w) and said, “0 Messenger of God, I have a wife who cannot turn back a touching hand.” The Prophet said, “Divorce her”; to which he replied, “I love her.” The Prophet responded, “Then, keep her.”“ The Prophet commanded him to hold onto her, for if he divorces her he would yearn for her and become corrupt like her. Seeing that the man’s heart was in anguish, he [the Prophet] considered it preferable for him to continue his mar riage and thus safeguard himself against corruption. If her faith be corrupted in squandering his possessions or in some other respect, he will remain in misery. [However,] if he remains silent and does not denounce [her deeds], he becomes a partaker of her transgression and a violator of the Almighty’s command: “Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire.” If he, on the other hand, denies and disputes [her ways],_, he will be miser able throughout his life.

For that reason, the Messenger* of God took pains in encouraging people to adhere to the faith saying, “A woman may be married either for her possessions, her beauty, her reputation, or her religion; for if you do marry other than a religious woman, may your hands be rubbed with dirt [taribat yadak].” Another hadith states: “He who marries a woman for her possessions and beauty loses both her beauty and her possessions; [but] he who marries her for the sake of her faith will be blessed by God with her possessions and her beauty.”

The Prophet (s.a.w) also said, “A woman should not be married [only] for her beauty, because her beauty may destroy her; neither for her wealth, as this may make her tyrannical; [rather] marry the woman for her religious faith.”

He emphatically recommended religious faith, because such a woman would bolster up the [husband's] faith. If she is not pious, she will be an element of distraction and of trouble in her husband’s religion.

[Good Character]

Good character is the second quality. It is an important requisite in the search for emptying the heart” and in the pur suit of favorable surroundings for religion. For if she is vicious, ill-tongued, ill-mannered, and ungrateful, more harm than good will come from her. Toleration of a woman’s tongue would try the saints. An Arab said, “Do not marry one of the following six types of women: an ‘annanah [hypochondriac], amannanah [upbraider], a hannanah [yearner], a hiddaqah [coveter], a barraqah (narcissist), or a shaddaqah [prattler].

The ‘annanah is one who excessively moans, complains, and [always] wraps her head.Marrying a constantly ill [woman] or one who feigns illness is of no avail.

The mannanah is one who is constantly needling her husband by saying, “I did such and such for you.”

The hannanah is one who yearns after a previous husband or after her offspring from some other husband. This, too, is among the things to be avoided.

The hiddaqah is one who looks at everything, covets it, and forces her husband to buy it.

The barraqah can be one of two:
(a) one who spends the whole day fixing her face or making it up and beautifying it in order to give it a lustre, or
(b) one who becomes angry at mealtime, thus eating only by herself and singling out her share from everything.
A Yemeni expression which is appropriately used for a woman, or a child, who is not satisfied with the food given to her [or him], is Baraqat al-mar ‘atu wa baraqa’l-sabiyyu al-ta’ama, that is, to become angry at meal time.

Al-shaddaqah is one who prattles a great deal; in this context the Prophet (s.a.w) said, “Almighty God detests the loudmouthed prattler. “25

It is related that the Azdi the traveler,” during his journey, met Elias* [the prophet] who ordered him to get married and discouraged him from celibacy.

He then said, “Don’t marry any of the following four types:amukhlali’ah [divorce-minded], a muba riyah [boaster], an ‘ahirah [harlot], or a nashiz [conceited].”

Al-mukhlali’ah is one who asks for the divorce (khul) every hour for no reason;
In Islamic law, a compensation (khutah) must be paid by the wife when a divorce is sought by her (Hughes, Dictionary of Islam, 274). This law is laid down in Qur’an 2:229: “And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself.”

Al-mubariyah is one who boasts of the superiority of another and is proud of her worldly advantages,

Al ‘ahirah is a loose woman who is known to have lovers and intimate companions. To her the Almighty referred when He said, “nor of loose conduct” [Qur’an  4:25].

Al-nashiz is one who adopts a haughty attitude toward her husband in deed and word: the word nashaz designates that which is elevated above the ground.
Nashaz is the noun derived from the same root as ndshiz. In Islamic law, nushuz means “violation of marital duties on the part of either husband or wife, specifically, recalcitrance of the woman toward her husband, and brutal treatment of the wife by the husband” (Wehr, Dictionary, 966).

‘Ali (ra) used to say, “The worst characteristics of men constitute the best characteristics of women; namely, stinginess, pride, and cowardice. For if the woman is stingy, she will preserve her own and her husband’s possessions; if she is proud, she will refrain from addressing loose and improper words to everyone; and if she is cowardly, she will dread everything and will there fore not go out of her house and will avoid compromising situations for fear of her husband. These accounts indicate the sum total of the good qualities sought in marriage.

[Beauty]

The third, beauty of face, is desired because through it fortification is attained. For [a man's] natural disposition is generally not contented with an ugly woman, [even] when good character and physical beauty are often inseparable. What we have transmitted is encouragement to look for a pious woman and not marry one for her beauty, which does not discourage the cherishing of beauty, but rather discourages marrying a woman for her beauty alone [while she be] corrupt in religion. Beauty, per se, oftentimes makes marriage desirable and detracts from the importance of religion. Indicative of the regard given to beauty is the fact that closeness and love are often realized through it. For that reason the Shari’ah  enjoined the safeguarding of the means to intimacy, and seeing [the woman] before marriage was deemed desirable.

The Prophet said, “If God should incline the heart of one of you toward a woman, let him look at her, for it will bring them closer together.” That is to say, it will cause them to be closer to each other like the closeness of the epidermis to the endodermis, which is the inner skin [as opposed to] the epidermis [which] is the outer skin. He mentions that only to stress the degree of closeness. The
Prophet (s.a.w) said, “There is something in the eyes of the Ansar; therefore, if one of you wishes to marry one of their women, let him look at them.”  It was said [in effect] that those women were “blear-eyed.” It was also said, “small-eyed.”

Some God-fearing men would not marry off their daughters until they are seen as a precaution against delusion. Al A’mash³³ said, “Every marriage occurring without looking ends in worry and sadness.” It is obvious that looking does not reveal character, religion, or wealth; rather, it distinguishes beauty from ugliness.

It was related that during the time of ‘Umar (ra) a man got married. The man had colored his hair and the dyestuff had faded. The woman’s family complained to ‘Umar saying, “We thought he was a young man.” ‘Umar beat him excessively and said, “You have deceived the people.”

It is related that Bilal and Suhayb came to a bedouin household and asked to marry their daughters. They were asked: “Who are you?” Bilal said, “I am Bilal and this is my brother, Suhayb. We were misguided, but God has directed us; we were enslaved, but God freed us; we were dependent [on others], but God has made us independent; if you should give us wives, then thanks be to God; and if you should turn us away, then praise be to God.” They [the household] answered, “Rather, you will marry, and thanks be to God.” Suhayb said to Bilal, “Would that you had mentioned our association and dealings with the Messenger(saw) of God.” He replied, “Be quiet. I spoke the truth and the truth will get you married.”

One may be deceived both in beauty and in character; therefore it is desirable to avoid deception in beauty by looking, and [deception] in character by description and inquiry. It is desir able that this precede marriage. A description of her character and beauty should not be sought from any but one who is keen, who is truthful, who is well versed in the apparent and the hidden [qualities], who is not predisposed toward her lest he should praise her too much, and who does not envy her lest he should not praise her enough. In stating the basis for marriage and in describing the would-be wives, the natural disposition leans toward exaggeration and excessiveness. Few are the ones who are truthful and are inclined to modesty; rather, deception and enticement often predominate. Caution, therefore, is im portant for one who would guard himself against longing for a woman other than his wife.

As for the man whose purpose in having a wife is mere observation of the sunna, bearing children, or caring for the house, should he renounce beauty, he would draw nearer to asceticism; because seeking beauty, in short, is a wordly interest even though in the case of some individuals [it] may be an aid to religion.

Abu Sulayman al-Darani said, “Indifference (zuhd) [to worldly interests may be] in anything, even in women.” Thus a man [might] marry an old woman because he has preferred to renounce worldly delights. Malik b. Dinar (ra) used to say, “Many a man among you would refrain from marrying an orphan, whose feeding and clothing would cost little and who would be easily satisfied, thus gaining merit [before God]. Rather, he would marry the daughter of so and so-meaning prominent people-who would make many demands of him saying, `Clothe me with such and such.’“ Ahmad b. Hanbal preferred a one- eyed [woman] over her sister who was beautiful. For he asked: “Who is the better behaved of the two?” He was told: “The one-eyed.” He replied: “Give her to me in marriage.” Such is the constant endeavor of one who does not seek [mere] sensual pleasures. If someone cannot secure his faith without a source of pleasure, then let him seek beauty because enjoyment of what is lawful strengthens faith.

It has been said that if a woman is beautiful, of good charac ter, with black eyes and hair, large eyes, white complexion, loves her husband, and has an eye to no other man, she is in the image of the houris [hawar]. For Almighty God has ascribed to the women of paradise this description in the verse, “the good and beautiful” [Qur’an  60:70] (by “good” He meant “those enjoying good manners”); in the verse “of modest gaze” [37:48]; and in the verse “lovers (‘urub), friends” [56:37]. (By “lovers,” He means someone who is in love with her husband and desirous of seducing him so as to complete her pleasure. By al-hawar, He meant whiteness; al-hawra’ is a woman with intense whiteness of the sclera, profound blackness of the eyes matching the profound blackness of the hair, and big, wide[-set] eyes.)

The Prophet (s.a.w) said, “The best of your women is one who pleases her husband when he looks at her, who obeys him when he commands her, and guards his memory and his possessions when he is absent.” Her husband will be delighted to look at her if she loves him.